One tenet of the early feminist movement was that it was demeaning for a woman to allow a man to open a door for her. My frustration with this idea was aggravated when men carrying huge packages were uncomfortable when a woman opened a door for them.

My basic response to both was, “get a life!”

Why might this be important? There is a dance we do with one another that not only makes it easier to get around, it’s fun! Sometimes having the door held for you is a game—like men holding doors for women or the first person in a group holding it for the next. Once a guy asked me, politely, on our second date, if it was OK if I waited for him to come around the car to open the door for me. For him it was gracious, and for me, it was fun! In the building where I’m living now, the door person opens the door and says, “Welcome home!” which makes me feel a bit like royalty. A dance? A game? But always with a smile and a thank you!

I learned part of this dance by playing with a group called HEC (Handicapped Encounter Christ). Basically it pairs people usually considered disabled because of physical or mental limitations with those of us I call “the theoretically able-bodied.”

The main events I took part in were long weekends where we ate, slept, shared, laughed, and cried at a handicapped-accessible camp. What was interesting was that the definition of “who was what” broke down. Yes, there may have been middle-of-the-night aid needed and yes, it was exhausting. But it was the exhaustion of an intense friendship that we all knew mattered and was real. It was listening to dreams, making potentially life-threatening mistakes that somehow were hysterically funny, and the luxury of having someone else go get that paper you left on your bed. If you went to this event with the thought of “doing good,” you burned out, felt put upon, and went home. If you saw yourself as another participant in the weekend, you realized that anyone can go anywhere if everyone bonds together to make that happen. Think about the more familiar Special Olympics which encourages those with mental disabilities to be physically active. There are many ways to open doors for everyone, but the trick is to not push them through unless and until they want to go.

Open doors have implications for the workplace, social networks, politics, and that real estate agent who happens to really understand what you (or I) are looking for. It’s the person looking for mentoring clients that promises to share names from her Rolodex.  At one time I ran a one-person office in a New York City office building. The executive director from the office next door took me under his wing, introduced me to people I should know, and gave advice on the politics of how to participate in a meeting. I’ve talked about having a current mentor who actively uses social media. She broadcast the opening conversation on Chaos and Possibility to the more than 140,000 people (really) who follow her on Twitter. Another friend is coming over to explain to me the mysteries of Instagram over wine and dinner.

Perhaps opening doors is going to another country and either helping someone with the language or needing someone to help you. Opening doors helps both giver and receiver in the long run. Last November when I was in Thailand, I needed shoes for a family wedding. Finally at a market off the beaten tourist route, I stopped in a store (stall?) where the owner knew English, my European shoe size without measuring, and the expectations for Thai weddings. Suddenly, there were three of us critiquing shoes, talking weddings, and generally being girly. As those of you who know me know, I don’t do “girly,” so this was may have been the first time in my life that I did that and enjoyed it. Plus I found comfortable shoes that I could wear on bare feet that looked great with a long dress. And the owner of the shop made a sale.

These are only a few examples. What can you add? Who has opened doors for you? Which ones do you open for others? How do you play the literal social version and how do you make it fun? And what have you learned?

Photo credits from top:
Doors behind doors – Anders Sanberg
Wheelchair Marathoner – Tom Tai
Wheelchair basketball: Wounded warriors roll to recovery – Army Medicine
Thai shoes – Spirit Moxie